What They Don't Teach You During Teacher Training: Part 2 - Parents

• Part 1: Time Management

• Part 2: Parents

• Part 3: Vulnerable Children 

• Part 4: Bullying 

• Part 5: Colleagues

• Part 6: Motivation 

This series of blog posts covers areas that I feel are often missing from the PGCE year and teacher training in general. That's not a criticism - there simply isn't time to cover everything but I have been using my extra pandemic time with the university library and the World Wide Web at my finger tips to search for answers to questions that have been perplexing me for some time. It turns out that many people have thought about these things a lot more than me so I'm excited to be sharing the insights that resonated the most.

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Dealing with parents has not always been my strong point. In general I used to keep them at arms length and hope that if I didn't bother them, they wouldn't bother me. Sadly it doesn't work quite like that. Although relations were mostly good they were sometimes very strained. Having my own child changed my perspective considerably. My son is so precious to me that within weeks of his birth I began to understand the psychology of the 'overanxious' mums and dads and I began to make changes in the way I communicate with parents almost immediately! However, when I saw that there was a workshop on building better relationships with parents this year at the MITA conference I knew I had to sign up because I still have a  lot to learn.I wasn't disappointed. Within about 15 minutes of the workshop I began to understand where I had been going wrong and why.

To start with we thought about what being a parent in 2020 is like in order to approach our relationship building from a place of empathy. We need to recognise that parents these days are often both working full time, working from home as well as at the office and juggling emails, texts, messages, social media and phone calls across different platforms (and yet it is still mainly the mothers who are expected to keep track of their children's school communications and activities and appointments!). 

In short, we should assume that parents are doing their best (it may not be your idea of what is best for their child but they will see it differently).

The number one rule that I came away with from the workshop was:

BE PROACTIVE!

Build good relationships before you have any issues right at the beginning of the year. A little extra work should pay off in terms of reduced grief, greater trust and more support for the rest of the year. The course leaders shared some really good ideas for how to do this:

• Before school begins ask parents to fill in a little email survey about their child with brief open ended questions such as "What are your goals for your child this year?", "What are your expectations of me as a teacher?" and "Is there anything else that I should know about your child?";
• Share your own expectations for them as parents and your goals for their child;
• Don't delay. Meet with parents you have been told are "difficult" and your class reps right away;
• Every Friday call or email two students' families with specific and purely positive updates about their child. It doesn't have to be excellence, even "X was a great partner today" or "Y tried hard in Maths today" is nice to hear so that you will have hopefully had positive contact with home before you have to organise any meetings to talk about difficulties;
• Channel their energy. Get parents and grandparents involved (if they want to be!) in celebrations, story time and volunteering; and
• Share how parents can help their children at home with their studies. If you want to go the extra mile you can send out newsletters, make a class website or send links to articles of parental interest and curricular materials. As a parent myself I'm not a fan of homework that needs a lot of parental guidance but some parents really want to be involved in their children's studies it so it's better to keep them happy with optional activities. For some reason "Read with your kids more!" doesn't seem to cut it so consider educating your parents about just how important this activity is and be prepared to recommend reading materials.

You'll know that it's working when parents come to you when they have issues they want to discuss rather than go over your head and speak directly to management. In many schools this can make all the difference between an easy and a hard life with your senior leadership team.

Parents' Evening and Tricky Parent Conferences

Parents evenings can be very long indeed, especially in schools without an appointment only policy. Take toilet breaks and keep your blood sugar levels up. If you do have appointments consider using a timer to make sure everybody gets their ten minutes and explain what you are doing and why. Post 2020 I foresee a world where we will continue to do parent conferences over video call instead of in person but I think the following will still apply for any tricky parent conference. 

BEFORE:

• Pinpoint your focus and email the purpose of the meeting to the parents beforehand, underlining the fact that you would like to work together to find solutions.
• Gather evidence and data and examples of the pupil's work along with anonymous examples of other students' work for parents to compare it to (if the issue is academic).
• Send a reminder the day before with the time and location.

DURING: 

• Stick to the plan (using a pro forma will help keep the conversation on track).
• Feed them a slug sandwich of PRAISE, PROBLEM, PRAISE
• Keep it positive. Avoid complaining. Remind parents you care about their child. Look for solutions.
• Apologise if necessary.
• Give them a chance to speak.
• Listen neutrally and use neutral statements that acknowledge how they feel like "I'm sorry that happened," "Thank you for sharing that" and "I hear you." It's OK to stand up for yourself "I understand that you are angry but please don't speak to me that way." When parents are angry your best defence is listening.
• Know when to end the conversation ("I think we aren't moving forward. Let's meet again another day and ask the Head to mediate.")

AFTER: 

• Follow up with parents with an email.
• Document the meeting internally.
• Inform leadership if a situation could potentially escalate. 

Sometimes parents will try to spring a tricky meeting on you at pick up or drop off time. Keep the phrase

"Let's make an appointment to talk about this when I can give it my full attention" 

up your sleeve and don't be afraid to use it.

Often meeting the parents will give you "Ahah!" moments. I once had a student that I used to always start the lesson on a bad note with because his first action on coming into the classroom was to go and stare out the window. My colleague met with his father and the first thing the father said when meeting her was, "Don't mind me. I just want to look out the window. I've never seen my house from this angle!"

Sometimes we just have to accept that meetings with some particular parents are not helping or productive. When it comes to disciplinary matters I always remember the words of a colleague who taught at middle school. When she asked a particularly naughty class, "Do you behave like this at home?!" they answered, "Of course not Miss! They'd never believe what we get up to at school!"

Should you take complaints from parents personally? Well that depends. I've had parents complain both that I am too strict and not strict enough, and sometimes that their child has not made enough progress when they are performing above expectations. In these situations do not take it personally, but if there are times when you have over 10% of parents complaining it may well be worth listening attentively and reviewing what you do or the way that you are communicating about what you do.